TIME OUT FOR RADIO COMEDY

THE HOLLYWOOD HOT SHEET

ASK 'EM YOURSELF

For John W. Hinckley, would be assassin of Pres. Reagan
"What are your thoughts on Jodie Foster's performance in 'Silence of the Lambs'?" - Marc David Chapman, assassin of John Lennon

Dear Mr. Chapman,
"Thanks for asking! I haven't had a chance to see my lady's latest triumph; but I was the one wrote and advised her to take that role. I'm sure once her schedule lightens up, she'll compose me a nice letter of gratitude... and in time, a conjugal visit."

For Marc David Chapman, assassin of rock star John Lennon

Dear Mr. Chapman,

"As one celebrity stalker to another, who were you trying to impress when you blew away the hero to a generation?" - John Hinckley, would-be assassin of Pres. Reagan

Dear Mr. Hinckley,

"Please don't flatter yourself by comparing me to you, Mr. Shoots like an old lady. Unlike you, I wasn't making some pathetic, unrealistic attempt to impress anybody. If it's any of your business, inner demons ordered me to
do away with the Walrus."

Marc David Chapman, ACTUAL ASSASSIN of somebody famous, not "would be".

For Marc David Chapman, assassin of John Lennon,

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For Comedienne Nancy Walker,

"What are you going to do when the current season of 'True Colors' wraps?"

-S.L. Turlock, California

Dear SL,

"Good for you knowing a showbiz term like "wraps".
I intend to keep busy, busy, busy: cruise to Jamaica, catch up on my reading, paint, go hang gliding, start a Museum of Vaudeville in my native New York, write, direct and star in a one woman show about the life of Dorothy Kilgallen, make a pilgrimage to Tibet, work on the Clinton campaign, and finally get started on those pedal steel guitar lessons. My husband, god bless him, says what I oughta do is take a nice long rest and finally kick this darn smoking habit. When I get a chance, sweetheart! Anyway, thanks for asking!"

Editor's note: This response was written a while ago, since comedienne Nancy Walker is now dead.
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For funny woman Carol Burnett,

"If you were born without ears like me, what would you have tugged at the closing of your show?" - H.W. Lakehurst, NJ

Dear HW,

"I'm sorry to hear about your affliction, but it wasn't my ear that I tugged at all. If you look closely, it was actually a small growth in front of my ear that was really my malformed Siamese twin sister, Carla Burnett. And I really wasn't doing it to acknowledge my beloved grandmother. The tug was to remind myself to stay humble, since it could very easily have been me hanging from the head of some giant superstar."