Saturday, May 26, 2007


This is Walter Winchell reporting from the Great Beyond. There's so much excitement going on up here, you'll wish you were dead!

Ball Call

Sharing martini pitchers at Callahan's - Lucille Ball and William "Fred Mertz" Frawley. Frawley cracked wise about it: "When we were doing the show, during rehearsals I'd get blasted and say to her - to heck with little Ricky, how'd you like to get a visit from 'Little Fred?' And she'd say, 'Over my dead body.' Well," said Bill with a smile and a wrinkle of that gin blossomed nose, "she kept her word!" Lucy let out a big cackle: "He's one landlord that can barge in any old time he wants." Desi "Ricky Ricardo" Arnaz only laughed at the newz. "Bill Frawley having sex must be like shooting pool with a rope."

Julius Caesar Re: the Unkindest Cuts of All

At a raucous Roman toga party, Julius Caesar finally cleared up the myth immortalized by Shakespeare as to what he said when his associate Brutus and a bunch of others stabbed him outside the Roman senate building back in 79 BC. Drunk on spiked nectar, Caesar said, alas, "Like Jimmy Cagney never said, 'You dirty rats', I never uttered 'Et tu, Brute.' "No, interjected Brutus himself, (they're now palz again), "Julie said something like, 'Heey! Hey! What are you doing... hey! That hurts! Stop it! Help, somebody!" Asked where the "et tu, Brute" may have come from, Caesar said, "That probably came from the fact that, before I got stabbed, I was heading for lunch, I saw Brutus standing there on the steps and I said, 'Et yet, Brute?'"

Wilde In the Sheets

Sipping Daquiris at Darnell's, back together again - Oscar "Ain't He" Wilde and his ever lovin Wally Cox. After flings with females Queen Elizabeth the first, Eleanor Roosevelt, Alice B. Toklas, and that scarey looking actress who played Danny deVito's mother in "Throw Mama From the Train", he's returned to Wally. "I guess I had to go out with these women to make me realize my true nature. I love Cox and that's all there is to it. My life is empty without Cox in it. When I'd be with these women, as sweet as they were, I'd dream about Cox. I'd fantasize about Cox. I simply realized, I had to have Cox to be happy." Asked if he was torn apart during La Oscar's wild escapades, Wally shrugged with a smile. "Naw, I knew he'd come back. But I wasn't lonely. There are plenty of folks around here who enjoy Cox." Don't be surprised to see this item in the society page of the Paradise Times Picayune: "Marriage Binds Wilde-Cox"

Add Alice Toklas... Trying to re-ignite her famous "friendship" (wink wink, nudge nudge) with Gertrude Stein, Ms. Toklas sent this message, "Tell Gertrude that in Oakland, there may be no there there, but in Toklas there's still a here here." (Wink wink, nudge nudge).


Touching tacos at Hernando's, quizmaster Hal March, Our Gang's Darla Hood, original Siamese Twins Chang and Eng and bijillionaire Andrew Mellon. I'll give you $64,000 if you can figure that one out. P.S., afterwards they went their separate ways... except for Chang and Eng, of course.

PPS., Mr. Mellon DID manage to "take it with him"!


Good Night and Good "Cough, Cough" Luck

Well, it's sad but true. Constant smoker Edward R. Murrow has become the first dead guy to get lung cancer.

Latest deadsome twosome – deaf and blind icon Helen Keller, and funny man Harry Ritz. The lovebirds were invited to that very chi chi black tie party for the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Ms. Keller thought it would be polite to wear dark glasses to cover her wandering blind eyes instead of going au naturel. But, unbeknownst to Ms. Keller, her nutty beau Harry gave her springy goo-goo glasses. The Duchess was not amused. When poor Helen realized what happened, she was so humiliated she ran off - straight into a huge stained glass window. By stroke of good fortune, Dr. Louis Pasteur was present and able to staunch the flow of blood... "She's very lucky. If she wasn't already dead, she would have died." But she won't have a sense of smell or taste for a while.

Combined with her lack of sight and hearing, Ms. Keller must now subscribe to the rarely used TV service wherein the broadcast is specially modified for the EVERYTHING impaired.


These Folks Need Head Badly

It hadda happen... comparing notes over Campari, Marie Antoinette and Vic Morrow...

The Milk Man Cometh - Maybe

Things got a little strained between Oscar "Let's Get Something Straight Between Us" Wilde and his everlovin' Wally Cox when they were joined at their intimate table for two by former San Francisco supervisor Harvey Milk. Oscar, stoned on Dacquiris, was relentless in his flirting with H.M. When ordering coffee, he had Harvey stir it with his finger, "Because I like milk in my coffee..." When ordering desert, Oscar wondered out loud about having a yen for "Chocolate flavored Milk." When he said, "I wonder if it's true that Milk does a body good?" Wally leaped up and stormed out. An uncomfortable Harvey exited, leaving Oscar with neither one. He eventually made up with Wally. "I had to. I couldn't bear to spend the evening without Cox."


It's Round, It's a Table, But Algonquin It Ain't

At another booth, Babe Ruth, Senator Bourke Hickenlooper, John "The Elephant Man" Merrick, Lupe Velez, and Allan Ludden. The Password is, "What the hey...?"

Sharing Won Tons at Wing Foy's... Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and steady as they go, mystery fly girl Amelia Earhart. "I must vatch her always, " lameted the Aryan tunesmith. "She got lost going to de bathroom de other night, und I did not see her for five days!"


Where's He Hiding the Ace?

Getting together for poker every Thursday... Genghis Khan, Duke Wayne, Primo Carnera and Waylon Flowers. Waylon Flowers!?


No, Oscar, I Said "Rally 'Round the FLAG"

There was a very interesting round table discussion when journalist Chet Huntley managed to get together Bob E. Lee, Uly Grant, Abe Lincoln and Stonewall Jackson to go over what they all might've done differently during the Big War. Biggest yuk of the evening: the witty Mr. Lincoln deadpanned, "I reckon woulda skipped that play."


But Whatta They Talk About?

And in our ain't it a shame file, after several years of living together in sin bliss, black hippie rock star Jimi Hendrix is splitting with his lady, feminist Susan B. Anthony... "She's a whole lotta woman, but we fight too much. Death's too short." The not so good at holding his vomit or spelling his first name Jimi is taking up with early film canine star Rin Tin Tin. It's not too late to just say "no", James.

Cracking clams at Clavelli's - newsome twosome grizzled manager Casey Stengel and hefty Kate Smith. "She may be fat," barked Casey, "But when she sings it ain't over, it's just startin'".

Also sharing a romantic exchange of theories, and, say my sources, bodily fluids, kraut egghead Albert Einstein and rock singer/junkie/Woodstock bow wow Janis Joplin... "I just love that crazy hair," sez J.J. Must be serious, cuz she recently changed her usual concert opening number from "Me and Bobby McGee" to "Me and Albert E." He may look it, but Herr Albert is obviously no M.C. square...

Another rare pair: Joan of Arc (skin grafts have done wonders) and professional Negro Stepin Fetchit.

Biggest yuck of the night from comic Jack E. Leonard... "Just think, if Karen Carpenter had shared Mama Cass' sandwich, neither of them would be with us today." No hard feelings as both Karen and Mama laughed heartily. Mama C. choked again, but so what! She's already dead!!

After dinner, and a number of coca colas... with rum... Ozzie Nelson and closet Ozzie & Harriet fan Lionel Barrymore did a spontaneous re-enactment of the "Tutti Frutti Ice Cream" episode, with Lionel flawless in the part of next door neighbor Darby... table mates Knute Rockne, Thomas Edison, Larry of Arabia and the Wright Brothers guffawed with abandon. Ozzie rued the fact that he didn't use Lionel in the part on TV. Quipped Lionel, "Thank God I was already dead, or I would've killed myself!"

Later William Jennings Bryan got into a debate with Chuck Darwin about the theory of evolution. YAWN! Give it a rest, Billy J!

Holding hands over after dinner brandies... Ivan the Terrible and Catherine the Great... also ex-president Warren G. Harding and that little girl from Family Affair who od'd... and stealing kisses over candelight, Rock Hudson and James Dean... come on, you knew it was true!

Joining them for dacquiris were Oscar Wilde and actual female, Queen Elizabeth the First. We won't speculate on what number Oscar is. Asked about steady Wally Cox, Oscar said, "I've decided to stay away from Cox for a while."

Evening was capped off by roast of the Man of the Hour, Mike Angelo... on the dais was Mae West who scored with "I like a man who does his best work on his back... Is that a chisel in your pocket or are you just glad to see me... " Old buddy Pope Leo X threw out this holy zinger, "Mike... I guess I can tell you now... when I said paint the chapel ceiling, I meant aqua, not with all kinds of pictures." And roastmaster general Oscar Levant was his usual pithy self, but things got ugly when he said, "Your statue of David is perhaps the most beautiful likeness of a human being, but what's with the eleven fingers?" The short-fused Mike, obviously from a era where there wasn't much of a sense of humor, lunged at Levant and had to be restrained by long time companion Leonardo Da Vinci, novelist Ernest Hemingway and Lou Costello...

Also at a table for two were Noel Coward and Oscar Wilde having quite a chit chat... so did these birds of a feather go to one or the other's nest and share worms? My spies tell me afraid not... by the end of the evening Noel was wild, but Oscar was a coward.

Also spotted - Sammy Davis,jr. and Moshe Dayan comparing trials and tribulations of being one eyed Jews...

Forget The Alamo; I'll Remember Those!

Still steady as they go... Buckskin buccaneer Davy Crockett and screen siren Jean Harlow... Sez Harlow, "He drives me crazy with that coonskin tail... sez the king of the wild frontier, 'Her tail makes me forget the Alamo."
This is Walter Winchell reporting from the Great Beyond. Remember we may be dead, but we're NOT DEAD!

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